Archive for the ‘Soccer’ Category

witchdoctor

 

See this guy? DO NOT FUCK WITH HIM. His name is Nana Kwaku Bonsam, who’s name literally translates to “Devil of Wednesday” (news of Ronaldo’s injury surfaced yesterday….be afriad). He is taking full responsibility for Ronaldo’s knee injury, which he predicted would happen back in February. He has been quoted saying, “I know what Cristiano Ronaldo’s injury is about, I’m working on him. This injury can never be cured by any medic, they can never see what is causing the injury because it is spiritual. Today, it is his knee, tomorrow it is his thigh, next day it is something else. I am very serious about it. Last week, I went around looking for four dogs and I got them to be used in manufacturing a special spirit called Kahwiri Kapam. I will work on Cristiano Ronaldo seriously and rule him out of the World up or at least prevent him from playing against Ghana”. Well THAT SHOULD JUST ABOUT TO IT FOLKS. The “Devil of Wednesday” is no fucking joke. Last week he went around looking for four dogs and got them to be used in manufacturing a special spirit??? What fucking dogs do you look for to do such a thing. This spell, which he claims to have conjured with a special powder from his gods, mixed with several leaves and concoctions which have been placed around an image and caricature of Ronaldo, is apparently going to keep Ronaldo out of the World Cup. Normally I would call absolute bullshit on something like this, but I’m not trying to get cursed, and seeing as the US is in the “Group of Death” – ironic name for our group given the current situation – having Ronaldo not play only helps our chance of advancing, so I’m just gonna give it to Nana. Keep doing your thing bro, please don’t curse me anytime soon.

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Hahahahahaha. It’s one thing to not catch a ball when someone throws it to you. That’s like top 5 most embarrassing things that can happen in my own personal opinion (list to follow in the near future). But to first drop the ball, then drop your CHILD on his head is a completely different animal. And to happen to be standing in the exact right place at the exact right time so that you are being filmed on TV is just absolutely unreal. Whoever this dad is, it just mustn’t have been his day. Or he was the kid who always got picked last in dodgeball. Either way, sucks to suck man. Launching your kid into the air, causing him to spin in circles until he nails the ground isn’t exactly the best look. Clean it up. The Mrs. isn’t going to be very pleased when she watches the random soccer league channel tonight.

 

I lied. Again. Saw this on my way out the door and figured I’d throw it up. Would love to see shit like this more often in soccer. Guy shot a fucking laser too. And he celebrated by just strutting through the wall he just drilled a goal past. Well played guys in purple, well played.

 

I swear to god I find one of these about once a week. How many bad soccer players are there playing professional soccer? Maybe I should rethink my career goals and just move to China or some South American country or some shit and just start playing soccer. I know I can at least not score on my own goal, or pass out from heat stroke in the middle of the game. How many retarded U-20 Chinese soccer players does it take to score on your own team? Three. The answer is three.

Back in February, I wrote about a game between two Peruvian teams when a goalie passed out due to heat exhaustion, only to have an opponent come rushing in and score a goal on the unconscious goalie, later stating that “football is for the living”. Well, turns out the team that had their goalie pass out on the field is pretty fucking terrible. The team in question is Unión Comercio, who faced high-flying Universitario in the penultimate match of the first stage of the 2013 Torneo Descentralizado (Peruvian first division) on Sunday, knowing they needed a win to escape a bottom-two finish. If they complete the second stage of the Torneo in the bottom two, they will be relegated. AKA, it is a must win game for them. In case you were wondering how to not win a must-win game, here’s a look.

 

I don’t know if that was the defender’s attempt to clear the ball or if he has an IQ similar to George W. Bush, but that’s probably not the best way to win. The goal game in the 58th minute, and as luck would have it, was the only goal scored in the game. So basically thanks to this dude Renzo Reaños is responsible for Unión Comercio being relegated come seasons end. Nice. Although I’m sure fans can’t even be too mad at him, because shit like this seems to happen to Unión Comercio much too often. Here’s a goal that was scored against them just a week before Reaños scored that embarrassing own goal.

 

Incredible. Just incredible. In all seriousness, I would be willing to bet a lot of money that you could take the 8 kids I played with at school for intramurals and pick up a couple studs from the local U-12 league and we’d be better than this team. Best of luck to all these players finding a new place to play, they’re going to need it.