Archive for the ‘Food’ Category

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Meet Marvin Tramaine Hill II. He’s just your every day 21-year-old guy from Des Moines, Iowa. He was at home, minding his own business this past Tuesday trying to enjoy a nice nap around 1pm, a totally reasonable time to be sleeping, when his annoying preggo wife comes home with some food for her husband, and attempts to wake him up, with a McChicken in hand. Now, Marvin didn’t take too kindly to being woken up from his nap, and when he saw what his wife had brought him, he proceeded to take the sandwich and then throw it at her. He then picked up some of the bun off the ground and threw it at her again. When police asked why Marvin would throw a McChicken at her husband, he told them, and I quote “because I don’t like them”. HA! What a country. When cops arrived on the scene, officers reported that Hill’s wife had mayo on her shirt and on her face. Now this is where I completely changed who’s side I was taking. No one wants to be woken up from midday nap by their annoying pregnant wife with a stupid McChicken in their hand for you, but mayo is fucking gross. If you know me, you know I hate mayonnaise more than anything else in the world. And mayo on the face and shirt is an absolute atrocity. I hope this guy gets 25 to life for this.

All jokes aside, spousal abuse is obviously a huge problem in this country and is something that should never be tolerated on any level, even more so when the woman is pregnant, but if you can’t laugh at the mental image of this guy just passed out midday and waking up pissed off because he doesn’t like McChickens and throwing the sandwich at his wife then you need to grow up.

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Nabisco – 1 Everyone Else – negative infinity. Fucking game changer to the max here. Literally the pinnacle of snacks. Don’t think I’d ever need anything else. Chewy Chips Ahoy and Oreo’s are orgasmic alone. Put them together and you’re bound to have some cream filling of your own all over the inside of your underwear. I have literally nothing else to say about this subject other than I’m going to the nearest Big Y or Stop N Shop or wherever and buying literally every single package of these, then I’m going to start hustling them for twice the street value. Mind of a hustler, always stay on the grind.

 

Baffled. Absolutely dumfounded. How did I not know that this place existed.This commercial is worthy of an Oscar (that’s what they do for commercials, right?). “Loss of sexual partners” “An inability to see your penis” and “Mild death” are laugh out loud funny. Just in case you were still wondering why mostly every other country in the world that isn’t America, hates America, it’s because of shit like this. Weigh more than 350 lbs? Come get our Quadruple Bypass Burger (yes that’s actually a thing, that they have a single, double, triple, and quadruple of) and eat it for free. Every day. Forever. Weigh 350+, you eat for free. They legit have a scale in the middle of the restaurant where, if you think you weight more than that magical number, then you weigh in on the spot. They’re slogan is “taste to die for”. I was talking before about telling things how it is in the Channing Tatum article, and this is the perfect example. Like hey, are you a glutinous fatass who loves food? Come eat our sloppy burgers for free. Heart Attack Grill isn’t gonna lie to you. They just want you to come in and enjoy being fat. What a god damn country. Well played guys, well played.

 

PS – How sick is Vegas. Prostitution is legal, you can either loose all the money you have in a night or become a millionaire, and you can enjoy being fat fuck at the Heart Attack Grill. I need to get to Vegas stat. Score one for the fat guys.

Huffington Post:       Their burgers might be squares, but their employees clearly aren’t.

Wendy’s employee Amy Seiber was arrested and soon became an ex-employee on Nov. 1, when a customer at the chain’s Lovejoy, Ga. location called 911 on Nov. 1 and reported there was a half-smoked blunt inside her burger, TMZ reported Thursday.

 

If this doesn’t solidify my argument that Wendy’s is by far the best fast food chain, then I don’t know what will. What other place do you go to order a burger and get free weed to go along with it? That’s fucking incredible. The worst part about this story is that the person who got the burger with the blunt in it made a big deal about it and called the police. Police say when they showed up, employee Amy Seiber, 32, told them the blunt belonged to her, and that she “misplaced” it inside the cheeseburger, so she was arrested for possession of marijuana. What a bitch ass move on the customers part. Someone tries to be nice and give you some free weed and you turn around and get them arrested. I didn’t even know you could still get arrested for simple possession of marijuana. Aren’t we passed that? Then the customer claimed she got food poisoning from the burger, which is absolute bull shit because everyone knows weed is used to help things like nausea and calms a persons stomach. Not the exact opposite. Then Wendy’s fucking pays for her hospital bill and gives her a $50 gift certificate. You know how much food you can buy with $50 at Wendy’s? Like enough to feed Africa for a day. Absolute debauchery.

 

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Hahahaha. Those fucking rape sloth memes get me every god damn time.

It’s that time of year folks. Time to gather ’round with your nearest and dearest and stuff your faces full of food and booze and football until you literally can’t stand up. A tradition like none other! What’s not to like about Thanksgiving? Some dudes landed here a bunch of years ago and now we turned it into an excuse to binge eat and drink in a way only us Americans can do. Throw in a full day of football and you’re riding full speed ahead to the land of cum filled pants.

While the soulless redhead is going to handle the best beers to have 20 of during this wonderful time, so I’m gonna facial you with the best foods to shovel down your gullet. Without further ado, here is the definitive list of the best Thanksgiving foods god created:

#1. Stuffing

Not even fucking close. Unless your mom or aunt or whoever makes the stuffing sucks at making stuffing then the stuffing is easily the best by far not even close. I’m talking sausagey crunchy at the top fill four entire plates type of shit. If you need me I’ll be the guy in the corner eating the stuffing with my hands dumping bud lights over my head while the little nieces and nephews cry about the kid that ate all the stuffing. Go fly a kite you little brats!

#2. Mashed Potatoes

Woody brought up a great point about the fact that if you’re not eating bacon mashed potatoes you’re a poor person. Great point. I could eat mashed potatoes literally exclusively for the rest of my life. Complex carbs until death or type 2 diabetes do us part. Whichever comes first. The gravy mashed potato combo is one of the most fluent harmonies this world has ever seen. If only I knew someone that could make a fuckin Terducken like John Madden’s crazy ass.

#3. Turkey (dark meat)

If you eat the white meat you’re a fucking communist and should probably just end yours and everyone else’s misery and jump off a fucking bridge. Idiot. Ever heard of flavor?

#4. Stuffed Mushrooms (sausage of course)

The crack cocaine of Thanksgiving finger foods. If you can eat one and only one well then you’re a bigger (mentally) but probably also smaller (horizontally) person than me because no lie last year when they were brought out I ate literally all of them and I’m pretty sure I ruined Thanksgiving for an innocent 6 year-old.

#5. Sweet Potato Pie

I dunno if everyone eats this or even knows what I’m talking about. Basically mashed sweet potatoes. Sign me up! Little cinnamon sugar on that bitch and it’s like candy dinner all up in this bitch. Again, complex carbing is the key to Thanksgiving.

Pile on a 4 foot high plate of those five foods and you are guaranteed to be passed out like a god damn homeless person before kickoff of the 8:30 game. However, the most important and iconic part of Thanksgiving comes on Friday…

Let me say this loud and clear: The leftover sandwich on Black Friday is the greatest single food on God’s green Earth. Quadruple layer that motherfucker with bread and stuffing and turkey and gravy and stuffing and stuffing and gravy and you will legitimately ejaculate. Supersoaker city in your undies for sure.

Enjoy the holiday you fucking scumbags! Hope everyone goes out and bangs that high school chick that graduated as a 4 and came back from college as a 9 ready to fuck your dick off! Get drunk. Get stuffed. Do some stuffing. All that good shit. Happy Turkey Day to all and to all a good night!

 

 

 

 

 

 

Sidenote: #1,634,942,324,004,425.1 is Cranberry Sauce. If you enjoy Cranberry Sauce call your next door neighbor and tell them to put you in their wood chipper.

 

Okay I lied. Came in from mowing the lawn to see this as a front page story on Yahoo! and had to put this up before work. If you’re wondering if that’s a typo in the headline: no, its not. This dude literally ordered every single fucking sandwich that McDonald’s has to offer. All 43 of them. And then he proceeded to stack one on top of another until he had a 4ft high tower of burgers containing enough calories to feed the entire continent of Africa for a day. If any of you guys were wondering why people hate America, this would be a shining example. Anyways, I don’t know how the fuck this dude could finish all this shit. I’ve had my fair share of gorging at a fast food place when I’m high/drunk as fuck, but I have never come close to spending $141. That’s just absurd. When asked about his experience, Nick Chipman said, “I’ve always dreamed of ordering the McEverything, but I felt like if I went to into McDonald’s and ordered every single sandwich, they would hate me. I’m happy to report that the entire crew at the McDonald’s was more than accommodating. They even seemed a little excited to see just how tall the McEverything turned out to be”. Fucking Nick Chipman. You sir are a sick fuck, and I mean that as the compliment that I usually intend it to be. And to top everything off, he finished his meal with a small Diet Coke. Yea prolly bro. Don’t think it would have made much of a difference if you just went with the Coke product that doesn’t taste like absolute shit.

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