It’s that time of year folks. Time to gather ’round with your nearest and dearest and stuff your faces full of food and booze and football until you literally can’t stand up. A tradition like none other! What’s not to like about Thanksgiving? Some dudes landed here a bunch of years ago and now we turned it into an excuse to binge eat and drink in a way only us Americans can do. Throw in a full day of football and you’re riding full speed ahead to the land of cum filled pants.
While the soulless redhead is going to handle the best beers to have 20 of during this wonderful time, so I’m gonna facial you with the best foods to shovel down your gullet. Without further ado, here is the definitive list of the best Thanksgiving foods god created:
Not even fucking close. Unless your mom or aunt or whoever makes the stuffing sucks at making stuffing then the stuffing is easily the best by far not even close. I’m talking sausagey crunchy at the top fill four entire plates type of shit. If you need me I’ll be the guy in the corner eating the stuffing with my hands dumping bud lights over my head while the little nieces and nephews cry about the kid that ate all the stuffing. Go fly a kite you little brats!
#2. Mashed Potatoes
Woody brought up a great point about the fact that if you’re not eating bacon mashed potatoes you’re a poor person. Great point. I could eat mashed potatoes literally exclusively for the rest of my life. Complex carbs until death or type 2 diabetes do us part. Whichever comes first. The gravy mashed potato combo is one of the most fluent harmonies this world has ever seen. If only I knew someone that could make a fuckin Terducken like John Madden’s crazy ass.
#3. Turkey (dark meat)
If you eat the white meat you’re a fucking communist and should probably just end yours and everyone else’s misery and jump off a fucking bridge. Idiot. Ever heard of flavor?
#4. Stuffed Mushrooms (sausage of course)
The crack cocaine of Thanksgiving finger foods. If you can eat one and only one well then you’re a bigger (mentally) but probably also smaller (horizontally) person than me because no lie last year when they were brought out I ate literally all of them and I’m pretty sure I ruined Thanksgiving for an innocent 6 year-old.
#5. Sweet Potato Pie
I dunno if everyone eats this or even knows what I’m talking about. Basically mashed sweet potatoes. Sign me up! Little cinnamon sugar on that bitch and it’s like candy dinner all up in this bitch. Again, complex carbing is the key to Thanksgiving.
Pile on a 4 foot high plate of those five foods and you are guaranteed to be passed out like a god damn homeless person before kickoff of the 8:30 game. However, the most important and iconic part of Thanksgiving comes on Friday…
Let me say this loud and clear: The leftover sandwich on Black Friday is the greatest single food on God’s green Earth. Quadruple layer that motherfucker with bread and stuffing and turkey and gravy and stuffing and stuffing and gravy and you will legitimately ejaculate. Supersoaker city in your undies for sure.
Enjoy the holiday you fucking scumbags! Hope everyone goes out and bangs that high school chick that graduated as a 4 and came back from college as a 9 ready to fuck your dick off! Get drunk. Get stuffed. Do some stuffing. All that good shit. Happy Turkey Day to all and to all a good night!
Sidenote: #1,634,942,324,004,425.1 is Cranberry Sauce. If you enjoy Cranberry Sauce call your next door neighbor and tell them to put you in their wood chipper.