So Macaulay Culkin Is, In Fact, Still Alive

Posted: May 13, 2014 by woody in Actual News, Fun
Tags: , , , , , , , , , ,

caulkin

 

Always good to see that Culkin is still winning his battle vs. staying alive, no matter how much of a vagrant he looks like. Hard to imagine the guy you’re looking at in this photo was once upon a time the kid we all looked up to growing up, the one and only Kevin McCallister. But the real story here is the complete mind fuck of a shit he’s wearing. Just a nice black and white photo of Ryan Gosling, who happens to be wearing a shirt with a young Macaulay Culkin on it. #mindblown. You know when you like, hold up a mirror in front of another mirror, and the image just reflects on itself about a bazillion times over and it looks as if there is just an endless hall of mirrors? That’s kind of the same thing that’s going on here. Ryan Gosling is everything Culkin would have become is he didn’t start shooting heroin into his dick, and god knows what else, at the tender age of, lets say 12. I would be willing to bet my entire life savings (not really that much) that on the shirt Gosling is wearing, the young Culkin is wearing a shirt with a grown up Gosling on it. Now, I know what you’re thinking, “that’s not possible at all Woody you dumb piece of shit”. Well folks, all I have to say to that is this: Obviously, Culkin somehow discovered how to travel in time, probably because he was so fucked up on whatever his drug of choice was that day and accidentally slipped into a wormhole, but nonetheless he discovered how to travel in time. And what did he do? He went back to that first time that one of his groupies said, “Hey Macaulay, wanna do a line of coke with me off of this strippers titties?” and he slapped his 12-year-old self in the face and simply said, “no”. And what was the result of that? Well you know the old saying about the butterfly affect, and I hope you’re ready to wrap your heads around this, but since Macaulay didn’t start going on a 10 year crack binge, he actually grew up and became the guy we know today as Ryan Gosling. Got his name changed at age 16 and became that absolute stud of man. And when he had become Gosling, he went back in time AGAIN with a shirt with his face on it, and gave it to the young Culkin we see on Goslings shirt in the photo above. So, Ryan Gosling AND Macaulay Culkin are, in fact, the same person. A walking, breathing example of what happens when you start doing hard drugs. That’s why I just don’t understand why people can’t just drink and smoke weed. I get PLENTY fucked up on booze and weed. I don’t need to get anymore fucked up than that. You really don’t need to do heroin guys, just fucking relax, roll up a joint, and crack open a beer. It’s gonna be okay, I promise. And BOOM. That’s how you decipher this absolute mind fuck of a photo. You’re fucking welcome.

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