This Megamouth Shark Solidifies My Belief on Two Important Things in Life

Posted: May 8, 2014 by snipe in Actual News
Tags: , , , , , , , , , , ,

Shark

 

SourceA public necropsy was performed this week on a rare megamouth shark caught off Shizuoka, Japan, providing onlookers with a glimpse of the prehistoric-looking creature.

The capture of the 13-foot female megamouth late last month was not widely reported, but it was an extremely rare event. About 1,500 people showed at the Marine Science Museum in Shizuoka City to witness the necropsy, which might help scientists learn more about the mysterious sharks.

The shark, which is named because of its bulbous head and the enormous capacity of its mouth, was hauled from a lightless depth of 2,600 feet. It was not immediately clear, based on sparse news reports, how the shark was captured.

According to WPTV, it was only the 58th megamouth to have been captured or sighted by man.

The Florida Museum of Natural History states that the first known capture of a megamouth shark was in 1976. It was such a mysterious animal that a new shark family, genus, and species had to be created (Megachasmidae, Megachasma, and pelagios, respectively).

 

 

I’m not a religious man. Far from it actually. I have faith and all that jazz but as far as believing the Bible as truth I consider that to be just straight up dumb. Like if you believe the Bible word for word you probably think Game of Thrones is nonfiction too. My point here is that like I said I am a man of faith in things. And this fucking monster shark dinosaur thing just proved that I’ve been right all along:

1. Avoid Asia – pretty self exclamatory. I have never, will never, under no circumstances go to Japan, China, Vietnam, whatever the fuck else is over there. It’s an absolute fiasco. Everyone looks exactly the same and they smell like what I’d imagine Andre the Giant’s dumps smelled like after 200 beer binges. Not stellar. Asia has nothing to offer. Can’t understand a god damn word they say and every two days a story breaks out about some new disease or dinosaur they discovered and then they make the rest of the world realize how much it fuckin sucks to live there. No thank you.

2. Avoid Oceans – When I was younger I was Mr. Ocean Swimmer Guy. Riding waves all day not a fucking care in the world. That was before the internet taught me that there is nothing but dinosaurs and man-eating monsters in the depths of the sea and now I’m all set with that shit. Boogie board packed away for life. Now you can catch me poolside (saltwater pool for effect) drinking far too many beers soaking up the son like a lazy alcoholic afraid of the ocean. As opposed to a bright eyed and bushy tailed young stallion riding waves like the Kelly Slater of wave riding minus the surfboard.

 

Moral of the story is this. Fuck Asia and fuck the ocean. The only way to stay out of trouble these days is to sit around and drink with friends and talk about how awesome everything was before it all started to suck. Yeah.

 

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