This Cali Girl Who Moved To Kenya And Became The First Female Warrior In The History Of The Maasai Tribe Makes My Balls Tingle

Posted: November 26, 2013 by woody in Actual News
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If those eyes don’t scream, “I’m a warrior princess and I will fuck your dick right the fuck off” then I don’t know what does. That is Mindy Budgor, AKA probably my future wife. At the ripe age of 27, she was an entrepreneur who had her own business that had netted enough money for her to live the life of luxury, driving BMW’s and shopping at Prada and Gucci, that kind of shit. But despite what today’s society would tell you is “success”, she felt hollow and like a failure, and was desperate to find more meaning in life. So, what is the most boss way to find more meaning in life? Easy. Move to Kenya, sleep on the ground with members of the legendary Maasai tribe, hunt buffalo and lions with nothing but a spear, and become the first female warrior in the tribes history. Power move to the max. So, I’m sure you’re wondering how the fuck she came up with that conclusion, as I did myself when I first read this story. Well, it all started when Mindy decided to take a friend’s advice and go on a humanitarian mission to Kenya. During her two weeks there, she befriended a local chief named Winston who spoke fluent English. He told her many stories of the Maasai tribe, of how they ate raw meat, fended off lions and buffaloes, protected their community with nothing but spears and swords, and were the most fearless tribe in the history of Africa. Naturally, Mindy asked if women could be warriors, and she was answered with a resounding no, because “women aren’t strong enough or brave enough to do it”. Pretty sound logic if you ask me. But what makes Mindy different, and more than likely my wife to be, is that she said fuck that bullshit, if they can do it then I can do it. As Mindy recalls, “I can take no for an answer if there’s a good reason, but the idea that women couldn’t be warriors just because they weren’t men wasn’t sitting well with me. Winston and I made a deal that if I left my stilettos behind, he would take me through the traditional rites of passage to become a warrior”. So, she flew back to California and hired a personal trainer to whoop her ass in to shape over a 6 week period, prepping for the challenge that she had ahead of her. She returned to Kenya 6 weeks later, with nothing but tartan sheets for clothing, metal tips for spears, a bottle of Chanel Dragon red nail polish (because it made her feel “fierce”…HA! Chicks…) and a pair of pearl earrings to remind her of home. A group of Maasai warriors led her through a month of surreal tasks that were both physically and mentally challenging: sleeping on the ground in a communal bed of leaves and branches, going days without food, getting bloody blisters on her hands as she practiced spear-hunting skills, and suffocating a goat to death and drinking its warm blood. As a final test, Mindy found herself running straight at a 1,200 lb buffalo that could make quick, easy work of anyone who wasn’t a badass, and speared the fuck out of it. She had passed, and was deemed a warrior, and succeeded in changing the Maasai gender policy. This year, 12 girls in the village she had been in will go through the warrior training. So she returned to Cali, a changed woman, went back to her previous life, but had filled that void that she had previously had. And she wrote a book about her whole experience, naturally, because she’s a smart fucking entrepreneur and she knows that any chick would gladly buy and read that book, AKA cha-ching.

All in all, pretty fucking cool story. I know I make fun of chicks time and time again, but it’s girls like Mindy who keep me level headed and think there’s still hope out there. Now if you’ll excuse me, time to find Mindy on Twitter or Facebook or some shit so I can slowly make my way into her life and eventually become her husband. I’ll go to war with a girl like that any day.

  1. Whatever else a ‘warrior’ is, I’m pretty sure it’s someone who actually sticks around and helps to protect the community in question, not someone who runs off with her exotic new bona fides to publish a book and maker herself a celebrity tourist.

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