Ohio Judge Rules That Living Man Is Actually Dead…Wait What?

Posted: October 10, 2013 by woody in Actual News
Tags: , , , , , , , , ,

Yea so apparently this is a real thing. On Monday, A judge upheld a 1994 court ruling declaring the 61-year-old Donald Eugene Miller Jr. “legally dead”. He was ruled “legally dead” eight year after he disappeared from his rental home, resulting in the loss of his Social Security number and his driver’s license. Judge Allan Davis called it a, “strange, strange situation, but that the court cannot budge in its decision”. Oh its a strange situation bro? You think? You’re literally looking into the eyes of a living, breathing man and telling him that he is dead. I’d say that would definitely be classified as strange, to say the least. I guess each state can make its own laws regarding declaring someone legally dead, and most generally rely on a similar set of criteria. That criteria usually includes that someone is missing and presumed dead, can’t be located for at least seven years, and the absence has been continuous and a genuine effort has been made to locate the person Miller is a recovering alcoholic who abandoned his rental home while in the midst of his addiction. He returned to court as part of an effort to get his life back together. Technically, Miller can petition to have his Social Security number reinstated in federal court, but his attorney, Francis Marley, said that Miller does not have the financial resources to pursue a second hearing. His ex-wife, Robin Miller, asked for the initial death ruling so that Social Security death benefits could be paid to their two children. She reportedly declined to testify in court on Monday. What a bitch. Judge Davis just had this to say, “I don’t know where the leaves you, but you’re still deceased as far as the law is concerned”. Oh word, thanks Judge. Robin Miller says she opposed overturning the death ruling, because she would then have to pay back the federal government for the benefits she received and does not have the financial means to do so. Donald Eugene Miller reportedly owed her $26,000 in child support at the time of his “death”.


Alright, all of this child support, legal bullshit aside, I think Donald is missing the amazing opportunity he has here. Like hey man, you’re dead in the eyes of the law. Non existent. AKA go fuck shit up. Steal a car. Sell some crack. Rob a bank. Move to some remote island and live the rest of your days growing marijuana and sipping margaritas out of a coconut with your feet up while you watch the sunset on the beach. You’re dead bro. DEAD. Last time I checked, you can’t prosecute a dead guy. Your kids got their money when you apparently “died”, so chalk that one up in the win column and move along. Fucking people these days man.


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