Bolivia Claims Some Bro Who Lives There Is World’s Oldest Man

Posted: August 15, 2013 by woody in Actual News
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So apparently if Bolivia’s public records are correct, Carmelo Flores Laura is the oldest living person ever documented. They say he turned 123 a month ago. AKA he was born in 1890. Quite literally 100 years before I was born. This dude lives in a straw-roofed dirt-floor hut in an isolated hamlet near Lake Titicaca (has always been my favorite name for a lake) at 13,100 feet, is illiterate, speaks no Spanish and has no teeth. He walks without a cane and doesn’t wear glasses. And though he speaks Aymara (whatever the fuck language THAT is) with a firm voice, you have to talk directly into his ear to be heard. When asked about how he has managed to stay alive this long, Carmelo had this to say, “I walk a lot, that’s all. I go out with the animals. I don’t eat noodles or rice, only barley. I used to grow potatoes, beans, oca”. Oh ok bro. You walk a lot? That’s why you’ve stayed alive for 123 years? Yea prolly. Here’s a quick look at this dude.

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Those kids are definitely his great-grandchildren. I don’t even know what to think about this guy. He obviously just smokes MAD weed all day and chills. That’s the only thing I can come up with for how he’s lived this long. I would actually be willing to bet my entire bank account that Jay Electronica has just been kicking it with this dude for the past year and that’s why his CD hasn’t come out yet. Just soaking in all of Carmelo’s wisdom. That actually makes a lot of sense now that I really think about it. Well now that the world knows about this dude, that should mean that Act II will be coming out shortly. About fucking time.

PS – For the record, Guinness has the oldest man at 115 years old, living in Japan. Also, the oldest person ever documented lived to be 122 years old, some French bitch who lived to be 122. So I’m still a little skeptical about this guy, especially considering he doesn’t even know how old he is.


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