Okay, so somehow I came across this interview of some supposed “man expert” who had a list of 5 movies its acceptable to cry during and not be judged if you’re a dude. And I gotta say I had no idea what the fuck he was talking about because the 5 movies that first came to mind for me didn’t even end up anywhere on his list. He was throwing out movies like “Old Yeller”, which I saw once when I was super young, like probably 5, and I guess that’s acceptable to be on the list because anytime you have to put down a dog that’s a pretty emotional thing. Only way you don’t cry during that film is if you absolutely hate dogs, and if that’s the case then you are probably some kind of serial killer, so fuck you anyways. But other than that, his list was bogus. Here’s the list in it’s entirety.
5. Old Yeller
2. The Crying Game
First of all, I can honestly say that the only other movie I’ve even heard about on that list other than “Old Yeller” was “Rudy”, and I didn’t cry when I saw that. The other three I have no fucking clue about. I guess “Deliverance” is about some dudes making a canoe trip or some shit, “The Crying Game” is about some dude who falls in love with some chick and bangs her but then finds out she’s really a dude, and he didn’t explain what “Beaches” was about but said that he cried out of boredom. Who the fuck cries from boredom. I guess banging a chick then finding out she’s a dude is upsetting, but I’d probably puke before I cried. A bunch of dudes on a canoe trip doesn’t seem to moving either. I don’t care how array it goes along the way. So fuck this “man expert” and fuck his stupid list. Here are my top 5 movies that it’s okay to cry at if you are a dude, which I’m pretty certain happen to be the only five movies I have actually cried during.
5. Hardball – I don’t care how bad Keanu Reeves’ acting is, if you didn’t cry when G-Baby died then you have no soul.
4. Remember the Titans – Just an emotional movie in general. I tear up a few times throughout it.
3. Up – I didn’t see this movie until I was a junior in college, and it was watched in complete darkness at about 3:00 in the morning with a few of my so called friends. I don’t know what it was about it, or how I got so emotional about a bunch of cartoons, but this movie just hits home. Changed my life forever.
2. Pay It Forward – Again, and sorry if you haven’t seen this movie yet and I’m spoiling the end for you, but when Trevor McKinney (Haley Joel Osment) is stabbed and dies at the end of the movie, I can’t help but cry. Just a kid out to change the world for the better with the simple concept of “paying it forward” in which someone does a good deed for someone else, and that person does a good deed for another person, and so on and so forth, only to be killed for trying to brake up a pointless fight. Since the day that I saw this movie when I was about 12 I have lived my life by paying it forward, and the world would be a much MUCH better place if people followed suit.
1. John Q – If you haven’t seen this movie before, go watch it. Some of Denzel’s finest acting, and that’s saying a lot coming from me because Denzel is my favorite actor of all time. His movies are simply the best. Anyways, once you watch this movie, you will cry. I don’t care how macho you think you are, you will cry during this movie. If you don’t, I will come and find you and I will hurt you. Maybe even kill you. Or honestly, you can just go kill yourself because not crying during this movie means you don’t give two shits about anyone in this world but yourself, so you’re a parasite to this planet.
So there you have it guys. Ever need to get a good cry sesh in but are afraid you’re going to be judged by other dudes, just throw in one of these flicks and let the emotions flow. Or you can just get drunk and listen continuously to a bunch of Jay Electronica, most notably “Fat Belly Bella”. That always works for me. I ain’t ashamed to admit it. You’re welcome.