New Study Proves Either Me And My Friends Are Raging Alcoholics Or That Americans Are Turning Into Pussies…Realistically It’s Probably Both

Posted: February 25, 2013 by woody in Fun
Tags: , , , , , , ,

So I was reading an article on Yahoo! today claiming recent studies show that “Americans still drink too much”. Naturally, my first thought was, “Awesome. Good to know there’s still normal people out there”. But when I started reading, I quickly realized that was not the case at all. According to the study, on any given day in the United States, 18% of men and 11% of women drink more alcohol than federal guidelines recommend, and that 8% of men and 3% of women are full-fledged “heavy drinkers”. In case you were wondering what exactly classifies someone as a “heavy drinker” its having 5 or more drinks if your a guy and four or more if your a girl. Yea prolly. And the federal recommended amount is 2 drinks.

Ok so my first question, why is the headline for this article “Americans still drink too much”. How is 8% of men and 3% of women considered still too much? I guarantee you do this study in Ireland or England or Germany or basically any other country that doesn’t suck and you’d come up with much higher percentages. So I don’t get what they’re talking about Americans drink too much. Read an atlas.

My next question, what the fuck happened to America. This same study showed that the majority of Americans don’t drink at all on any given day. What does that even mean? I honestly don’t understand. What do you do then? And your trying to tell me that only 18% of men and 11% of women drink more than 2 drinks on a given day? When the majority of those men have between 2-5 drinks and those women between 2-4 drinks? Where did they do these studies? Obviously they never polled anyone in college. Or anyone who’s cool. It’s a scientific fact that if you don’t drink then you are a fucking loser. Straight up squid. I’m not claiming it’s cool to be an alcoholic who doesn’t do shit with his life and ruins everything and everyone he touches, not at all. It’s called being a functional alcoholic. The best of both worlds. Figure it out people.

Lastly, where the fuck did the federal government come up with 2 drinks a day as the recommended amount? I’ve literally drank 2 beers in the time it took me to write this article. I’ve never known anyone in my life to just drink 2 drinks in a day. If you wanna be a loser your whole life than just don’t drink in the first place and go work some stupid suit and tie 9-5, hating everything about your mundane life, from your 6×6 cubicle to your plain wife to your boring children to your slow ass Prius. No need to act like your cool and that you drink then just have 2 beers. Waste of everyone’s time.

Bottom line is that America is getting lamer and lamer every day, and it’s a serious problem. We all need to take a look at what’s going on around us and realize how fucked up everything is and get back to the golden ages where not every kids didn’t get a trophy for last place, you could go to the movies without worrying about being shot up by some whack job with no friends on facebook, four loko was available at your local corner store, cops cared about getting you home safe instead of arresting you for not using your blinker, people just ripped butts inside of bars, it wasn’t frowned upon to say “Merry Christmas”, and our President was copping dome in between press conferences from a woman more than half his age. God bless that America.

Side note: If they think that having 5 beers on any given day is classifies me as a “heavy drinker”, I don’t even wanna know what they would call someone like me or and one of my friends. I don’t think they’ve invented an adjective to describe that.



  1. […] New Study Proves Either Me And My Friends Are Raging Alcoholics Or That Americans Are Turning Into P… ( […]

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