Deep Think: Trading Lives with Animals

Posted: February 25, 2013 by snipe in Deep Think
Tags: , , , ,

If you could be any animal what would it be? Well, considering I am the most best ever I will put the thought in your head of something that you otherwise wouldn’t be thinking about because I truly care about each and every one of you on a very emotional and hyperphysical level. With that being said, we are going to do what I like to call an exercise. The exercise is to decide what animal you would want to be if you could any animal in all the land.

The question is, if you could be one land animal, one swimming animal, and one flying animal, what would your three choices be. If you don’t think there is a correct answer to the question than you are unsmart. There are absolutely three and only three correct answers. Without further ado, here is the be all end all list of what animals I would be:

Category: Land Animal: Winner – Male Lion

I’ve been going back and forth about this category since the Carter administration. I literally got held back in 2nd grade because I was lost in thought for 3 1/2 weeks having an epic inner mental battle and blatantly didn’t participate in anything throughout the school day for the entire duration of my Think. The reason that this is such a hard decision to make is because of the god damn Polar Bear. Listen, if Polar Bear’s didn’t live in the fucking Arctic then I’d be all in. They are absolutely diabolical creatures that cannot be stopped. But have you seen Planet Earth? Those poor motherfuckers have the worst lives ever. They are freezing cold 24/7/365 and their day is literally looking for food and that’s it. So, to all my Polar Bear friends, I’m sorry but you are a very close second. Maybe consider a change of scenery? You’ve been freezing your dick off for like a million years dude. Make a fucking upgrade. Climb the ladder.

I’ll ask a question as to why Lion is the answer. If I told you right now that you got to be a MALE Lion, would you even consider saying no? Unless you are a fucking idiot you would be a Male Lion right now for the rest of your days. Why, you ask? Well, for one, you get to rock a dope ass mane and literally lay on your stomach all day while your dumbass wife runs around hunting and watching after all your fucking kids. Sign me up! You are literally the king of your world and no one even considers fucking with you. Ever. If your answer to this question isn’t Lion then I hope we never meet in person because I hate you.


I want to be this exact Lion so badly it’s making my pee-pee hurt.

Category: Swimming Animal: Winner – Orca

I’m gonna attempt to keep this reasoning short and concise. But if you honestly don’t know why I want to be an Orca than you aren’t even trying. You’re not taking the game or your life seriously and it is an insult to me but more importantly to you and who you are as a person. Orcas are like the ninjas of the sea. Just when you you’re safe they sneak up on you and ram a whole world of pain up your ass only to disappear into the abyss like thieves in the night from life illusions of oasis makin’ you look twice.

Long story short, Orcas will fuck your day up. God, make me an Orca.

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Any questions? It’s like the Michael Jordan of whales.

Category: Flying Animals: Winner – Bald Eagle

Unless you’re some sort of America hating psychopath then I probably don’t even need to write anything about these majestic beings. I mean seriously being a Bald Eagle is literally being a flying American flag. Just soaring through the skies as the national emblem of our awesomeness. A Bald Eagle literally an American Flag, Glock .45, fast food restaurant, 5th amendment with wings. What more could you ask for? You literally cannot kill a Bald Eagle. If you do you die immediately.

If I was a Bald Eagle my name would be Justice and I would patrol the skies with machine guns installed in my talons shooting the fuck out of all the stupid birds and taking dumps on all the criminals down on Earth. Yeah.


That’s me. Justice. Ridding the skies of crime one Pigeon at a time.


So there you have it folks. The definitive list of animals to be if you could be an animal. If you disagree then you’re just another terrorist on Justice’s list so I’d stay out of the air if I were you. Idiots.


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