Everyone loves Starbursts. That’s a scientific fact. Like the third law of motion, or something that sick fuck Newton came up with. There’s just something about those juicy little bastards that delights taste buds from here to Bangladesh. Now they have all these absurd flavors and gummy variations and whatnot, but today I’m talking strictly about original Starbursts. My main question…what the fuck are they? Just look at them.
All neatly wrapped up like presents on Christmas morning. They’re chewy and juicy, but also hard, and also solid. You know how in 5th grade science when you’re learning about the 3 states of matter – gas, liquid, and solid? And then that one know-it-all asshole who watched Bill Nye instead of Hey Arnold tries to sound all smart and be like, “what about plasma?”. Like hey dickhead, we get it, you’re a fucking loser. You don’t have to prove it everyday. Well turns out plasma actually is considered the 4th state of matter, but for some reason they just don’t feel like teaching us that in school, just like they try to tell us that Egyptians were white dudes. Anyways, I can only come up with two possible explanations for what the fuck a Starburst could possibly be. Its either shit aliens came up with to keep tabs on us humans, or it’s this mysterious “plasma” that asshole in 5th grade was talking about. Honestly what the fuck is plasma. How can something not be a solid, a liquid, or a gas. I tried to look it up but I’m way too high to read that textbook shit. For now, I guess it will just remain one of the 7 wonders of the world. Touche Starbursts, touche.