Todd Helton Arrested for Being Blacked Out Buying Scratch Tickets

Posted: February 7, 2013 by snipe in Sports
Tags: , , , , ,

Yahoo: When you think of Todd Helton, you think of a baseball veteran who has, thus far, played his entire career with one team, the Colorado Rockies. You think of him chasing a .400 batting average some years ago. You don’t think punchlines.


Wednesday’s early morning DUI arrest, however, might just change that. We already watched Helton enter the Horrible Mugshot Hall of Fame and today comes this unfortunate wrinkle to the story: Helton had driven to a gas station to buy … wait for it … lottery tickets.




Todd Helton is the fucking man. For one, he might be the most under appreciated player in the last 20 years. He’s literally the Rockies leader in every statistical category including beers consumed. Just the exact type of guy you wanna get fucked up with. Well, this story just proves my point even further. You think Todd Helton gives a fuck that he’s worth like 400 million dollars? Fuck no. He’s blacked out and he wants to win some extra coin with the leftover change from the $20 he broke buying a fresh can of Skoal. I have never related to a story more in my entire life. Every single time I’m at the gas station and I buy a new tin I use the spare change for some scratch offs. I’m probably down about 4 grand buy now but that’s not the point. It’s the principle that counts. So, this is my public announcement that I want to be best friends with Todd Helton. Todd, if you’re reading this, gimme a call man. Let’s chat about our similarities over a few dozen beers.

Love, snipe.



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