Is Groundhog’s Day The Dumbest Holiday Ever?

Posted: February 2, 2013 by woody in Fun
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Well the short answer to that question is yes. But I’d like to take a little time to tell you why. First off, it takes place in February, and we all know February is the most miserable, boring as fuck month of the year. Probably why they just randomly came up with this bullshit holiday to give us SOMETHING to get excited about. If I were a black dude I would be livid at the fact that February is Black History month, what a slap in the dick. Aside from February fucking sucking, let’s take a logical look at the holiday. People drive from all over the country to Punxsutawney, Pennsylvania to watch a groundhog walk out of its dumb fucking whole. If he see’s his shadow, it means 6 more weeks of winter, and if he doesn’t, spring will come early. HELLLOOOOO…ITS A FUCKING RODENT!!!! Last time I checked I didn’t depend on shadows of inferior animals to tell me what the weather is going to be like. I did a little research, and the people involved in this ludicrous holiday are absolute whack jobs. It is a documented scientific fact that the oldest groundhog to ever live was 14 years old, but these weirdo’s claim that there is only one Punxsutawney Phil, and that he has been making weather predictions for over 123 years. Yea prolly. It is said that every summer, and I quote, “Phil is given a sip of the mysterious Groundhog Elixir, which magically lengthens his life for 7 years” (insert your own baffled reaction). This is, of course, only done by the “Inner Circle” members. The madness does not end there. They believe that after making his prediction, Phil speaks in “Groundhogese”, which apparently only the current president of the Groundhog Club can understand, and then he translates his prediction for the world to know.

The more I read about Groundhogs Day the more I absolutely hate it. And you know, all of this would be good and fine if his predictions were even close to being right, but he’s been right 39% of the time since they started doing this 123 years ago. Keep in mind that its a 50/50 prediction, either its going to be cold for a while or it won’t be. How can you be so bad at something so easy. The dumbest part is he’s only said spring is coming early 15 times out of 123. 15 TIMES! Just copping out each year and going with the default, “yea its going to be cold for a while” prediction. Fuck you Punxsutawney Phil. And fuck you Groundhog Club. And fuck you Groundhog ‘s Day.

That being said, he did predict that spring comes early this year, so I hope that he’s right because I can’t stand the winter anymore.



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