Best Super Bowl Bets That Have Nothing To Do With Football

Posted: January 29, 2013 by woody in NFL, Sports
Tags: , , , , , , , ,

So I came across this article  earlier and I have to say I was impressed. He takes the “best” things you can actually bet on and gives a great list. What the author refrains from doing is telling you which ones to bet. That is why I’m here.

So first up is an over/under of how many times Harbaugh will be said during the game. The over/under is at 21.5. I don’t know what constitutes half of a last name, but I would bet the over on this 100 times out of 100. Think about it. 4 quarters, 2 coaches with the same last name. That means if they only mention each coach 3 times in a quarter (6 total), your going to end up with 24 “Harbaugh’s”. That’s not that much under normal circumstances, but given the fact that its the fucking Super Bowl and two brothers are coaching against each other for the first time in Super Bowl history, they will be talking about it even more. Bet the over. Your welcome.

Next up, another over/under about the length of the brotherly embrace at the end of the game. Over/under 7.5 seconds. This is honestly a tough one. That’s right around the time where a hug gets to be uncomfortable, at least when its another bro. I would have to take the under on this one. Can’t last much longer than 5 seconds.

Now we got the amount of times Jack Harbaugh, father of the two Super Bowl coaches, will be shown on, with the over/under at 2.5. I’d say over all the way. If they’re gonna show Johnny football’s smokeshow girlfriend 389 times in one quarter than I think we can get 3 times for the proudest dad in America on Sunday.

The last over/under we have is how long it will take Alicia Keys to sing the national anthem, with the time set at 2:15. First off, I fucking love Alicia Keys. Sorry Swiss but that’s my girl and when all is said and done she will be mine. Not only is she beautiful is every sense of the word, her voice is what I would imagine angels sounding like. Now, I did a check to see how long past Super Bowl singers took to sing the national anthem and for the most part they were all longer than 2 minutes 15 seconds. I don’t know how long its supposed to take to sing it, but given the fact that literally everyone in America will be watching the game on Sunday, unless your homeless or asexual, I’m gonna say that Alicia will sing her gorgeous ass off and it will last longer than 2:15. Now if it was an over/under 2:15 for how long I would last in bed with Alicia stone cold sober, I’d take the under all day every day. Hell I’d be lucky to make it 0 minutes 15 seconds.

Now onto Yes/No bets. First up, will Alicia Key be booed, with yes at +500 (bet 100 to make 500). Um, bet no. Who the fuck boo’s the national anthem, especially when it’s being sung by the most talented singer on this rock we call Earth. I don’t care if its +1,000,000,000 for Yes. There is no chance that will happen.

Will Alicia Keys mess up the words? Yes +170. I feel like I’ve said enough about Alicia Keys for y’all to know what I’m gonna say. No, and/ or, no. Go ahead and bet Yes for the last two if you wanna think that your going to make millions, but neither will happen and you’ll just look like an idiot.

Will Jay-Z join Beyonce on stage at halftime? Yes +110. Duh. No chance the most successful rapper in history will pass up a chance to be in the spotlight. If there’s another bet that they bring Blue Ivy on the stage with them I’d take that too. Bet yes.

Will Beyonce’s hair be straight instead of curly? Yes +110. I refuse to tell you one way or another on this because if your betting on this than you seriously suck. No strategy whatsoever involved in this bet. Just throwing money in the dark and hoping some comes back to you. A fools bet.

And my personal favorite each year, What color gatorade will be dumped on the winning coach? Water +200, Orange +250, Yellow +250, Blue +700, Green +700, Red +700. First of all, you can throw water and green out the window because water is for pussies and I’m 99% sure that green gatorade does not exist. It would be a safe bet to take orange or yellow, pretty standard colors. But I like to live dangerously. I’m saying Red all the way. Makes the most mess I think. Plus it will be a metaphor for all the blood that Ray Lewis is going to make spill en route to a Ravens victory.

So there you have it. For all those people who know nothing about sports but still want to make a quick buck betting on the Super Bowl. You can thank me now or you can thank me later.



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