Winter Beers for the Win!

Posted: January 11, 2013 by snipe in Fun

Winter fucking sucks. Unless you’re one of the lucky ones that lives in a place devoid of the changing seasons, you are forced to deal with everything that makes winter suicidal. Literally, once January 2nd hits there is NOTHING to smile about until Saint Patrick’s day. February sucks so bad they dedicated it to the entire black race. Anyways, the only good that comes with the snow, chapped lips, chapped skin, sickness, and dick shrinkage is some fucking great beers.

Unless you’re a fucking idiot then you like to relax and enjoy a quality brew, especially during the winter because if you’re anything like me you’ve attempted suicide a couple two tree times since New Years. Anyways, being an alcoholic, I’m confident that this is the be all end all of winter brew lists so, here it is:

1. Samuel Adams Winter Lager – Say what you will about this being a cliche New Englander move but in terms of consistent products Sam Adams is Jordan in game 7! This is admittedly possibly bias due to the fact that I’m currently drinking these but fuck that, this is the best winter beer in the game, easily. Every bar I’ve walked into since the release of this beast it’s been a no brainer. The other day I walked into Wood n Tap and the dude just handed me one I was like PAH!


2. Sierra Nevada Celebration – You know that part in Home Alone 2: Lost in New York when Harry and Marv have their ears to the door? “That’s the sound of a tool chest, falling down the stairs.” That part? Then BOOM facial. Fucking tool chest directly through every bone in your body after like a 40 free fall. That’s exactly what I felt when this beer hit my lips. Just bitch slapped me across the face in the best way possible. Do yourself a favor, throw a log on the fire, watch some Entourage DVDs, and put down the knife because a 6er of celebration will make a suicidal man need to see another day.

3. Long Trail Hibernator – If there was ever a beer that deserves a sip based solely on the bottle, this is it. Just a bear fucking chillin fireside in a cabin rinsing beers. Um, you’re a bear bro. Shouldn’t you be busy picking salmon out of a river like skittles out of the bag and making sure the entire forest dumps their pants as soon as they see you? Nah. He’s chillin in a recliner reading some Frost and Hughes getting his knowledge. Take a hint from the bear. Thank me later.


4. Harpoon Winter Warmer – no exaggeration I had so many of these on Christmas Day that I literally started dying. Nutmeg overload like you read about. There I am casually fucking a 12er and next thing I know I’m about to polish the pack off when BOOM! Hives everywhere. I looked like Johnny Drama when he had to wear that scar make up all day. Regardless, that has nothing to do with the beer so don’t be afraid. It was day 11 of an absurd binge so my body was probably just like fuck you bro stop drinking I quit. Understandable. Moral of story: winter warmer is a nutmeg-y cinnamon-y treat so suck a few down you sickos.

5. Newcastle Winter – Anyone that knows me knows I love surprises. I also love adventures but that’s for another time. Anyways, I ordered one of these a few weeks back simply because I love Newcastle original and, to my surprise, it’s fucking bomb. Like all the others, it’s pretty strong so if you lack testicles then order a Coors Light and keep on keepin on. Great beer. Sidenote: England does things the right way. I was there in August and those people are fucking looney tunes. They start drinking with the sun and kill each other over soccer games. England for the win!


There you have it. The absolute set in stone most enjoyable beers to keep you from offing yourself this winter. Cheers!



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