Not a bad way to spend 8 minutes. Definitely learned a thing or two along the way. Most of these people I had never heard of. Well, when you have a list of something like this, its a no brainer to rank them. So here we go.
#10. Michel Lotito AKA “Monsieur Mange-Tout” – Talk about a fucking useless super power. I don’t even think I would consider it a super power to be honest. Sweet, you can digest basically anything because your stomach is super thick or some shit. Big fucking deal. Go eat a car loser. They say he died of natural causes, but I’d be willing to be it had something to do with the fact that he literally ate bicycles and shit.
#9. Kim Peek AKA “The Human Google” – Another one that is stretch when considering it a super power. Like sweet dude, you have part of your brain missing so you can’t have friends and just read books all day and can instantly remember everything. That doesn’t make you a super hero. That makes you a fucking nerd. Live a little. Plus Kim is a woman’s name. Get it together.
#8. Scott Flansburg AKA “The Human Calculator” – Same shit here with that loser Kim. I get it’s cool to be like really good at something, and in this guys case its math, but really when does that actually come in handy? Other than impressing, and I use that term lightly, people by multiplying and dividing big numbers on the fly, what else do you do? Wanna really impress me bro? Figure out a way to multiply my bank account by about a billion.
#7. Dave Mullins AKA “Fishman” – Finally we get into the part of the list where people actually have some cool shit going on. So this guy basically holds every diving record there is. He can swim further down into the ocean than any other human being on the planet. Like a lot further. He can hold his breath underwater for 4 minutes and 2 seconds while swimming 224 meters. I would literally just swim everywhere if I were this dude. Or freak people out by just holding my breath everywhere I went. Just refusing to breath and shit.
#6. Wim Hof AKA “Iceman” – So basically this guy just doesn’t give a fuck about the cold weather. Doesn’t faze him in the slightest. I would argue that that just makes him a badass, not a super power, but apparently he practice “tummo”, which is some form of yoga that apparently is usually only mastered by Tibetan yogi monks (don’t know who they are or how to become one but they sound intimidating) which allows you to control your own body temperature. So while this guy is running around for hours in negative temperature in the snow with just a pair of shorts, no shirt, shoes, or socks, he just tells himself, “nah I’m not cold, I’m warm”. Talk about mind over matter.
#5. Ben Underwood AKA “Batman” – Talk about catching bad break. Poor kid was diagnosed with retinal cancer at 2 then had his eyes removed at 3? That fucking sucks. Picture a doctor being like, oh yea hey by the way, I’m going to need to remove your eyes. Sorry doc, I’d rather not, kinda need those bad boys. But you think Ben cares? Of course not. Bro just develops echolocation way past what any human has ever done before, and clicks his tongue to figure out whats going on around him. He got so good at it, that he was able to play basketball, football, rollerblade and skateboard. He can even play video games, which I can’t for the life of me figure out how THAT works. Anyways, Ben would have been higher on the list, but these next 4 are just sick fucks, and he died at 19. Super hero’s don’t die young.
#4. Ma Xiangang AKA “Electric Man” – How about this guy. Just playing with a live electrical wire like it ain’t no thing, only to discover that he is immune to electricity. This dude can light up a light bulb simply by holding it and touching an electrical outlet. He claims that he eventually became addicted to electricity, which is probably one of the coolest addictions I’ve ever heard of. I would fuck with people so hard if i was this guy. Just grabbing live wires left and right and doing “the Marv“, wait for them to freak out for a little bit, then just start laughing and saying, “nah just fucking with you, I’m immune to electricity”.
#3. Mas Oyama AKA “The Godhand” – This fucking dude. Normally I’d say being a karate master doesn’t exactly qualify as a super power, but then I read that he was “obsessed with fighting bulls with his bare hands”. Cause that’s a normal thing to be obsessed with. Try something safer, like Candy Crush you fucking lunatic. Literally killing a bull with a single blow. Then just karate chopping their horns off? Probably one of the coolest things I’ve ever heard of. Plus in Japan he was known as “One Strike, Certain Death”. What a hardo nickname.
#2. Isao Machii AKA “Super Samurai” – Having hand-eye coordination “beyond human levels” would definitely not suck. He just cuts shit perfectly in half, no matter if its a tennis ball coming at him at more than 700 KPH or a pellet being shot out of a gun. The coolest part about this guy, which definitely bumped him up a couple spots, is that he “doesn’t use his eyes, but rather instantly visualizes the trajectory of the object in his mind”. PAH! Yea prolly dude.
#1. John Chang AKA “Dynamo Jack” – Biggest no brainer in the history of no brainers. Not only does he have the best nickname on the list, in retrospect he’s probably the ONLY one of these dudes who actually showed some sort of actual super power. Plus no one even knows his real name. He’s just some mysterious qigong master who become a renowned “healer” in Java, who always refused documentary of his unusual talents, until a team of reporters showed up in the early 80’s to heal one of their members. They had to promise him that the video would never go public before he actually got in front of the camera, a promise which they immediately broke when they realized what they had discovered. By directing powerful energy in his own body that he called his “Chi”, he was able to do some pretty fucking sweet shit. Like igniting a page from the newspaper, on some Dragonball Z shit. After learning of the film’s broadcast, he was never seen or heard from again. Probably was just like fuck this and teleported to some alternate universe. All I know is that it has now become my life goal to master my Chi and just go around lighting shit on fire. Boom.
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